In memory of Art Buchwald

I am not joking. I sincerely and wholeheartedly pray for John McCain’s health and wellbeing - especially if he is elected the next President of The United States. If – God forbid! – anything dreadful happens to President McCain… I’ve got horrible cramps in my stomach and the frightening shivers along my spine thinking what could happen to the world when the eventual McCain’s Vice-president would walk into the Oval Office. God, please, please save President McCain. Dear God, don’t let anything tragic happen to this distinguished senior gentleman who now has a big chance to become the leader of the greatest world power.

Speaking of chances. Less than a month left before the Americans will go to the polling stations to cast their votes for the next President.   The whole world is waiting with bated breath: who’s gonna win – McCain or Obama?   Tough choice, maybe the toughest ever in the US history. You might ask: what do you, Russians, care? Quite sincerely, for us it’s an alternative between the earthquake and hurricane. And yet, I am conducting a kind of informal polling among my friends and colleagues - just for my personal curiosity. The intermediate results so far are heavily in favor of McCain. I, myself, definitely and emphatically go along with the majority: McCain.

Like I said – it’s a tough choice.   But, please, let me explain and justify my judgment. All in all, for about 15 years I lived in this great land called America. And I believe I know about America and Americans a little bit more than an average Russian who’s never been there. I am not going to repeat those smart and stylish forecasts of the professional politicians and political scientists: I’ll give you my very personal opinion. As far as I know that God blessed country and its people, I would say that:   the homosexuals of San Francisco, the freethinking Hollywood crowd, the staunch liberals and inflexible Marxists on the state universities’ campuses, the eggheads of the Silicon Valley and Route 128, the New York intellectuals (including here also my good friend Mr. Vladimir Pozner), the Wackos of the Beltway, as well as a larger portion of the disoriented minorities anywhere – they for sure would go for Obama. Those who left would most probably vote for McCain. Yet I think that that latter group would be a bit larger and just as strongly motivated as the former one. I myself hesitated a little - which side for me to take finally?   But “the last straw that broke the camel’s back” was my recent talk with the visiting American professor, a mighty respected political scientist. More so, he is now teaching in Columbia University, which to my mind is the snake pit of the political correctness and leftism.   So when I asked this Columbia U. professor that sacred question he took a deep breath and quite reluctantly, but honestly answered: “McCain”.          

I surely cannot get into the minds of the American “blue grass” voters of, say, Missouri or Iowa, or their likes elsewhere, but I think they still make the majority of American voters. What would be THEIR choice? On my knees, in advance, I beg your forgiveness: but I believe their selection would be - let’s face it - strictly between black and white. Hold on, just don’t throw those rotten tomatoes in me, please, let me at least make my point. As a professional researcher, I try to construct the hypothetical situation and put myself into the shoes of those voters of the core of America. If I were them I would definitely cast my vote for McCain, still deeply regretting that he is not as young, attractive, eloquent and vigorous as Barack Obama. I would think: “How nice it would be if Obama could be a bit … ahem… whiter. Better yet a lot whiter.   And how great it would be if his name would be, say, John Smith, or at least Colin Powell… But Barack Hussein Obama??? Oh, no, not in our house.”   I might as well try to transpose this situation onto modern Russia. Suppose, just suppose, that we have this (most improbable!) choice for presidency between two candidates. The one named, say, Ivan Petrov and the other… The other’s name might create some problem. He is very well educated, good looking, smart, experienced, eloquent, honest, etc., etc. But his name is… Itzhak Moissejevich Katzenellenbogen. That’s it. He’s out. At least for this century. 

Now we come to the issue of Vice-presidency. Long, long time ago in Moscow I’ve met with Joe Biden (at that time he already was the Senator for quite some time), and I didn’t like him. He was, let’s put it mildly, very acerbic. Now I’d give a lot to meet with Ms Sarah Palin. She sure is the most enigmatic political personality not only for me, but for the whole world. All I know about her is that she’s good looking (especially without glasses) and she is – how to put it? – a lot less eloquent than, say, Barack Obama. Maybe that’s a result of the cold climate of Alaska; here, in Russia, we very well know the people who live in Chukotka, the Russian region neighboring with Alaska.   They are the beloved heroes of our anecdotes: simple, sincere but honest, and, well – rather peculiar people. So to me is Sarah Palin. Though, I confess, I might be greatly misinformed and thus deadly wrong about her. Maybe, in deed, she is the powerhouse of intellect and political experience. I do admit that.         

But now, for a change, let’s talk about some highly abstract science called “World Civilizations”, the area where I with all modesty can consider myself an expert. All right, students, listen up and make those notes.

Point #1: all civilizations have the finite nature. Without exception, they all have their “lifetime cycle” – rise, plateau and rather quick destruction and demise. It’s just like with the human life – you can prolong it somehow, but you cannot live forever. Nosirree.

Point #2: there comes the paradoxical, yet logical conclusion: the more developed this civilization the closer it is to its destruction and downfall.

Point #3: now, what are the most decisive destructive factors for the demise of any civilization – the internal or the external ones? The right answer is – the former ones, internal.

Point #4: what ARE those deadly internal factors? There are quite a number of them; I’ll list here the most important ones – political correctness, multiculturalism, feminism, egalitarism, limitless relativism, aggressive secularism, gay-lesbianism, etc. They all gain strength WITH the development of civilization. Are you with me so far? Fine.         

Keeping in mind all that, let’s recall those political gurus – especially in Europe, but in the States too – who insist that “the percentage of women in the higher governing bodies (like parliaments, ministries, etc.) is the definite sign of the degree (level) of development of this or that country”. Take, for example, the Scandinavian countries: a number of women in higher places there are going to the off-scale readings and far beyond any common sense figures. Good for them. So, they are much more developed than, say, the retarded and backward Russia. Do you follow me?   Here goes the focal point. (Drum roll, please.)

Thus, consequently and logically – they are much, much closer to their demise ! If you ever trust at all the results of the scientific research and conclusions, you must agree that electing another woman in higher office would push the country closer and closer to the bifurcation point popularly known as the “point of no return”.

For me, the demise (highly improbable - so far!) of my beloved America would be great personal catastrophe. And so it would be for the larger (and the better) part of the world. Except, of course, for the Arabs and some other Moslem fundamentalist countries – they will be dancing in the streets like the Palestinians did on 9/11. I’ll try to think geopolitical now: the Chinese would probably have the papier-maché dragons and street lanterns parade.  

They certainly will be celebrating too, but rather modestly and reservedly. The Western European intellectuals and leftists will be popping up the corks of the Champaign bottles and drinking until they drop out. In Russia – strange as it may seem – a lot of people would be crying: “Where would we go next year for our vacations and shopping? Where would we send our children to schools? etc.” A lot of political scientists in Russia would commit the “hara-kiri”, for they’ll have nothing to converse and write about; they simply would go out of business. Tough luck.

So, I appeal to you, the good voters of America: think twice as hard this time when you’re going to vote. And if you do vote Republican then for the next four years please, please take absolutely the best possible care of Mr. McCain. That’s my very personal request to you.